My cup overflows!

Wow…what a week. So many things to celebrate! We had a house full of family. All of our Florida fam came to visit and celebrate a very special birthday.  My great grandmother Frances turned 104 years old! No I’m not kidding 104…really! She’s an amazing lady that has certainly influenced my life in many ways over the years but most of all spiritually. In addition to quality time with the family and a rockin party with Gram we also hit some pregnancy milestones.

If you remember from my prior blog entries the last week of Sept has been a one of mixed emotions over the past couple of years. It was around that time that we had miscarried our previous two pregnancies. Needless to say, when we found out we were scheduled for our level 2 ultrasound on Sept 26^th some deep breaths were in order. Leading up to the appointment the adversary tried everything to put fear into our hearts. A week or so before the appointment Chad and I attended church service where we experienced a very emotional testimony.  An amazing couple had shared their story of getting pregnant only to find out that their baby had severe complications and would likely only live minutes or hours after birth. This couple chose to go forward with their pregnancy and had less than an hour with their baby before the Lord called their child to His kingdom in heaven. The strength, faith in the Lord and hope for the future this couple displayed was beyond inspiring. On the drive home from church Chad said that he kind of wished we would have skipped service that week (I must admit the thought had crossed my mind as well). Until that testimony, he said he wasn’t really fearful of our upcoming appointment but now he was feeling a little anxious.  He asked how I felt. I told him that despite the inspirational message, it was difficult to hear but reminded me that our past experiences (as heartbreaking as they were) could have been even harder. We went on with our evening and continued to have very open discussions about each other’s concerns. We agreed that we needed to speak words of hope and faith leaving no room for fear in our hearts. And the upcoming ultrasound was a test of our faith and the timing was our opportunity to put the heartbreak behind us and celebrate the hope in our future! We decided that no matter what happened from that day forward God would get us through it. As we chatted, our fears diminished and our vulnerability with one another brought an amazing new element to our relationship. (As silly as it might sound up until this point we hadn’t really talked about our concerns even though we both knew they existed. I think we were just trying to be strong for each other).  By the end of the night it was totally obvious that we were meant to hear that message at church and God used it to encourage us to talk to one another and rely on HIM instead of ourselves. 

We went to our appointment and it was the most peaceful, stress free, and exciting part of our pregnancy so far! I swear it was like we could feel the Holy Spirit surrounding us (and yes I know that might make me sound nutty but I really don’t care). We got an amazing report. Baby and I are measuring great/healthy and we got to see our little miracle moving around in 3D! Praise God! Also I have to share…at church this week that same couple that gave the testimony a few weeks ago… is pregnant again! God is so good!

Psalm 23: 5-6 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

21 weeks! We’re over the halfway mark and we’re beyond excited! We got the genetic screen results back and praise God, they’re all negative! It’s starting to become more real. Chad and I looked at each other the other day and said “Wow, we’re actually having a baby!”. As if it were the first time we’d been privy to the amazing news. I’m sure that sounds crazy to most “normal” people, since that generally is recognized the first moment a couple finds out their pregnant. But for us (not so normal folks) well let’s just say it’s taken a while to sink in. We of course were thrilled from the beginning but I must admit that we have guarded our hearts and still do to some degree. That’s just our human nature I suppose. But the more we allow ourselves to let our guard down (and trust God) the more fun things become. We’ve started purchasing adorable things for the nursery and looking at things that we’ll need for our miracle. We’ve quickly discovered a couple things…

1.       Selecting a color or theme for a nursery is much more difficult than one would expect. (Especially a general neutral nursery…yes we’re still holding strong at this point and haven’t found out the sex.) Admittedly, I’m a slight Pintrest addict which seems to only be adding to the confusion. Chad has officially refused to look at any more “inspirational nursery” images. I suppose a man can only take so much. J

2.       We really have no idea what the heck we need for a baby. There are so many gadgets out there that it’s hard to know what is a “need to have” vs. a “nice to have”, oh and we can’t forget the “who in the world really needs that thing” category. So me being the planner and organizer that I am sought out some expert advice. Where did I turn for assistance? Google of course…yep I searched “checklists for a new baby” and at least got a outline of the basics. However moms feel free to share you're motherly wisdom. We're certainly all ears!

3.       MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERY…The “stuff” doesn’t really matter at all. We know that part of the reason for Chad and I’s journey over the past several years has been to teach us what is truly important in life…God and then our family/friends (in that order).

It’s so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with a new baby. Planning the nursery, picking out new things, organizing the shower but at the end of the day we can’t lose sight of what’s really the priority. Now don’t get me wrong I’m all about fun and there is plenty to celebrate but we can’t forget who provides the life we’re so eagerly awaiting for thisJanuary. The possessions we buy will eventually fade away (or end up in a garage sale) and all that’s left will be God and our family/friends. Those are so much more important than any fancy crib bedding, Britex travel system or expensive pair of maternity jeans (which I can’t bring myself to buy even though they’re so comfortable..ugh!). All that being said I will have to refer back to this blog entry to remind myself of this point countless times going forward but it’s summed up best in Matthew.

Matthew 6:19-21

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Long overdue...

So I'm going to fast forward a bit, okay maybe a lot...We're currently 19 weeks pregnant and thanking God each and every day! So why has it taken me 19 whole weeks to post on my blog? Well, I could easily say that my delay was due to the general sleepiness that comes with pregnancy and the hectic work schedule I've been keeping up lately. However, I must admit that in addition to those facts I think I let a little bit of fear creep in and was unsure if I should share my blog in the event that the unspeakable were to happen again. But I've decided that I'm not going to allow fear to run the show. Instead, I'm going to trust that this baby is growing healthy and will make his or her miraculous debut in early January just as God has planned. 

So let me bring you all up to speed. I'm feeling great. Now that I'm into the second trimester my energy is back up. I'm proudly sporting a belly (and loving it). I have to say that I'm even excited to step on the scale and see that I've gained 12 lbs so far. Wow! I never thought I'd say that. All of our doctors visits have been terrific. Baby is measuring properly and we are just so grateful. As if all of this amazing news isn't enough...I'm actually starting to feel the baby move! It's the coolest thing ever! I intend to keep up on my blog from here on out so stay tuned more updates. 

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Praise God!

As we progressed through our treatment I continued to pray to God. I specifically prayed that His will be done and that if at any point we were not being obedient to place unpassable obstacles in front of us. Each step was reassuring. First we received the great news that we had 18 eggs of good size to harvest! That's a very high amount. But we knew that we were looking for quality over quantity. Next, we were told that 15 out of the 18 eggs actually fertilized. Again an obvious blessing. From there the lab graded each fertilized egg. We ended up having 5 eggs in the top quality range! We were beyond excited! The doctors recommended that we transfer just 1 embryo and freeze the rest. We agreed and the next thing I knew it was time for the transfer procedure. The procedure went great! I was continually thankful for the amazing doctor/nursing staff at U of M. Throughout all of the testing, visits and procedures they we all so supportive and caring. It was truly comforting. So now that the transfer was complete it was time to wait (not one of my strongest qualities). So two weeks pass and it was finally time for my blood test to find out if we're pregnant. I went in around 7:30am for the blood draw and waited...and waited...and waited. Finally around 4:30 my phone rang...we're pregnant! Wooohooo! Praise God! 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him".

Letting go

I’ve heard about how demanding the IVF schedule can be. And we quickly found out first hand. When I received my box of meds it was crazy the amount of needles, syringes, pills and liquids. We also had this lovely calendar to help us keep the injection/pill routine straight. Despite the hectic schedule of shots, pills, trips to U of M for blood work, ultrasounds, and mock transfers we had such a sense of peace through it all. It’s hard to explain. I began to wonder if this was really God’s plan for us all along but maybe we just didn’t recognize it before.  See when we first started the fertility treatments in Toledo IVF was always an option but our doctor had said that he didn’t think we needed it. To be honest I don’t think we ever really questioned it because doing the other treatments kept things more in our control and it wasn’t as big of a financial investment upfront. So really I once again was trying to go with my plan of how I felt things should go in our life. Speaking of finances we actually didn’t have enough money for IVF the month prior. I had just started tithing at church and vowed that I would continue even if it meant postponing IVF but of course just in perfect time God gave us the resources we needed.  I was rewarded with a bonus/increase from work and so was Chad.  Going with IVF was forcing us to let go of control, finances and allowing us to really go all in. All we could do was pray and trust that no matter what the outcome was that God would get us through it. Now don’t get me wrong there were moments when fear would creep in or I’d start to feel sorry for myself looking at all the bruises from the injections. But those thoughts were quickly replaced with thankfulness. Thankfulness of having this opportunity and hope for a healthy baby. The fact is there are lots of people that struggle with unexplained infertility and don’t have these options. I believe that God has a plan for each of them just like He does for us and I pray that we all have the children we desire in our hearts. After all God placed those desires there to begin with. Psalms 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  

Heading up North

We continued “trying” to get pregnant with the help of our Toledo RE but still no baby. By this time I had a handful of friends that were also getting medical assistance for unexplained infertility. We’d share updates with one another, laughs, scripture & prayers.  Oddly enough through our struggles I had developed a special bond with these ladies. Through one of these lovely ladies I had heard about the fertility program at U of M. She raved about how terrific it was. Now keep in mind Chad and I are OSU Buckeye fans through and through so crossing the border to our rival team could create a little tension. LOL!  We tossed the idea around for a month or so and prayed on it. Little hints of U of M began to arise, a commercial here, a U of M ring on a friend that I never noticed before, and maize and blue was popping up everywhere. It could have been my imagination but either way I felt really compelled to make the switch from Toledo to U of M. Chad agreed and we decided it was ok to have U of M help us bring some future Buckeye babies into this world. :-) Within the month we were on our way to our first appointment. We met with our doctor. She reviewed our background, discussed all of our options with us and gave us the recommendation of In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF).  I remember walking out of the doctor’s office that day thinking “I never expected it to come to this”. The drive home Chad and I discussed IVF. He was all for it right out of the gate. I on the other hand was in turmoil evaluating if this type of medical intervention was too much. I mean God brings life into this world not doctors. Then there was the cost. It was a lot of money. To be honest it was going to be our entire savings. And one thing about me is that I’m a saver. I like to have a comfy cushion of "just in case funds" but if we went forward with IVF that would mean no more comfy cushion. There was the risk that we could make this huge investment and it might not work. Prior Chad and I have had countless discussions around adoption and we both have said that it’s something we would like to do at some point. So I then of course considered that we might be acting selfishly if we chose IVF over adoption. So I prayed on it. Chad and I talked through it (a lot). The scripture verse Ephesians 5:22 kept nagging at me “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church”. I used to think this verse was outdated until last spring at a Christian conference I discovered the true meaning. Not only does it mean to trust your husband to lead you and your family but you’re really trusting God to lead through your husband. To be candid I’m a bit of a control freak. So I typically tell Chad that I want him to lead but when it comes down him actually doing it I tend to step in and try to do it myself. I’ve realized that my behavior isn’t supportive and I strive to get better at it every day. Chad was so instantly convicted that this was the right path for us I needed to trust that it was God leading him to that decision. So it was decided…IVF was a go.  

Time to get real...

After about two months Chad and I decided to hop back on the baby making wagon. Physically I was healed but emotionally I was still a closeted mess. Although I gave the appearance that everything was just fine.  Like I had it all together, boy was that untrue. One day I remember having a conversation with a friend at work where I just broke down and told her what a mess I really was. She looked at me and said “What? You’re one of the most put together people I’ve ever met. ” After that conversation I did some self-reflection and I realized that I needed to get vulnerable and stop worrying about my “image”. I remember growing up and being told that crying was a sign of weakness and that image was important. I was quickly realizing that life is messy but somewhere in that mess is God’s beauty. Our challenge is to embrace it and trust me it can be quite a challenge.  Within days I started to emerge from the daze I’d been living in. I slowly realized that this was one of the lessons I was supposed to take from our circumstances. God didn’t want me to walk around pretending that everything was just fine and being strong for others, He wanted me to share my pain and brokenness with others because it would become our testimony. It was clear that I had drifted away from God a bit and I had to get back on course. I shared my realization with Chad and he agreed that we both had. That something that appeared to be off with us and our relationship quickly dissolved. It was replaced with an added closeness that I can articulate in words but can only be thankful for. Instead of looking at our situation and feeling sorry for us as a couple who had just lost another baby I had a change of heart. I began recognizing us as a couple who had endured a great deal of pain together but found strength to persevere, hope in the future and were blessed beyond belief by amazing friends and family.   I got back into my daily bible reading. We started attending church regularly again. We were sharing our story with folks and were open to how God was using our circumstances to mold us.