Time to get real...

After about two months Chad and I decided to hop back on the baby making wagon. Physically I was healed but emotionally I was still a closeted mess. Although I gave the appearance that everything was just fine.  Like I had it all together, boy was that untrue. One day I remember having a conversation with a friend at work where I just broke down and told her what a mess I really was. She looked at me and said “What? You’re one of the most put together people I’ve ever met. ” After that conversation I did some self-reflection and I realized that I needed to get vulnerable and stop worrying about my “image”. I remember growing up and being told that crying was a sign of weakness and that image was important. I was quickly realizing that life is messy but somewhere in that mess is God’s beauty. Our challenge is to embrace it and trust me it can be quite a challenge.  Within days I started to emerge from the daze I’d been living in. I slowly realized that this was one of the lessons I was supposed to take from our circumstances. God didn’t want me to walk around pretending that everything was just fine and being strong for others, He wanted me to share my pain and brokenness with others because it would become our testimony. It was clear that I had drifted away from God a bit and I had to get back on course. I shared my realization with Chad and he agreed that we both had. That something that appeared to be off with us and our relationship quickly dissolved. It was replaced with an added closeness that I can articulate in words but can only be thankful for. Instead of looking at our situation and feeling sorry for us as a couple who had just lost another baby I had a change of heart. I began recognizing us as a couple who had endured a great deal of pain together but found strength to persevere, hope in the future and were blessed beyond belief by amazing friends and family.   I got back into my daily bible reading. We started attending church regularly again. We were sharing our story with folks and were open to how God was using our circumstances to mold us.