Drifting

The days that followed were a blur of tears, sadness, physical pain & ultimately brokenness. Because I was so far along I had to physically deliver the baby & have a D&C (Dilation & Curettage). There was nothing that could have prepared me physically or mentally for that day. But God surrounded me with the most amazing supporters. Chad was amazing. He stood by my side every second and supported me in a way that was beyond words. The nursing staff was also terrific. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and a hole in our hearts. This was not how we had planned this pregnancy to go. Chad and I both said the next time we leave a hospital it will be with a healthy baby in our arms. So somewhere deep inside there was still hope. The days and weeks that followed were some of the hardest in my life. To some degree I just felt like I was going through the motions. I’d have moments where I would let myself breakdown only when I was alone other times I was just numb to everything. I found myself putting on a happy face for others and being strong for them. Chad and I were both grieving differently so communication (typically one of our strongest qualities) was suddenly a little awkward. Our marriage was still as great as ever but something just felt off. Nothing felt normal at that point. We had gone from expectant parents to not in a flash and I just could wrap my head around it.  Despite the confusion of our new world one thing was constant…the love and support from our family & friends. We received phone calls, flowers, cards, facebook messages, prayers and so many other kind gestures from them. I was honestly overwhelmed with how many people actually cared about us so deeply. Looking back now I’m certain that those were what truly helped is move on. See at this time my urge to read the bible daily was lacking, if we skipped a weekend church service I wasn’t losing sleep and when we did make it to church it was safe to say my heart wasn’t there. How could it be it was broken into a million pieces? I didn’t realize it at the time but I was drifting away from God. Hebrews 2: 1 “We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away”.