Praise God!

As we progressed through our treatment I continued to pray to God. I specifically prayed that His will be done and that if at any point we were not being obedient to place unpassable obstacles in front of us. Each step was reassuring. First we received the great news that we had 18 eggs of good size to harvest! That's a very high amount. But we knew that we were looking for quality over quantity. Next, we were told that 15 out of the 18 eggs actually fertilized. Again an obvious blessing. From there the lab graded each fertilized egg. We ended up having 5 eggs in the top quality range! We were beyond excited! The doctors recommended that we transfer just 1 embryo and freeze the rest. We agreed and the next thing I knew it was time for the transfer procedure. The procedure went great! I was continually thankful for the amazing doctor/nursing staff at U of M. Throughout all of the testing, visits and procedures they we all so supportive and caring. It was truly comforting. So now that the transfer was complete it was time to wait (not one of my strongest qualities). So two weeks pass and it was finally time for my blood test to find out if we're pregnant. I went in around 7:30am for the blood draw and waited...and waited...and waited. Finally around 4:30 my phone rang...we're pregnant! Wooohooo! Praise God! 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him".

Letting go

I’ve heard about how demanding the IVF schedule can be. And we quickly found out first hand. When I received my box of meds it was crazy the amount of needles, syringes, pills and liquids. We also had this lovely calendar to help us keep the injection/pill routine straight. Despite the hectic schedule of shots, pills, trips to U of M for blood work, ultrasounds, and mock transfers we had such a sense of peace through it all. It’s hard to explain. I began to wonder if this was really God’s plan for us all along but maybe we just didn’t recognize it before.  See when we first started the fertility treatments in Toledo IVF was always an option but our doctor had said that he didn’t think we needed it. To be honest I don’t think we ever really questioned it because doing the other treatments kept things more in our control and it wasn’t as big of a financial investment upfront. So really I once again was trying to go with my plan of how I felt things should go in our life. Speaking of finances we actually didn’t have enough money for IVF the month prior. I had just started tithing at church and vowed that I would continue even if it meant postponing IVF but of course just in perfect time God gave us the resources we needed.  I was rewarded with a bonus/increase from work and so was Chad.  Going with IVF was forcing us to let go of control, finances and allowing us to really go all in. All we could do was pray and trust that no matter what the outcome was that God would get us through it. Now don’t get me wrong there were moments when fear would creep in or I’d start to feel sorry for myself looking at all the bruises from the injections. But those thoughts were quickly replaced with thankfulness. Thankfulness of having this opportunity and hope for a healthy baby. The fact is there are lots of people that struggle with unexplained infertility and don’t have these options. I believe that God has a plan for each of them just like He does for us and I pray that we all have the children we desire in our hearts. After all God placed those desires there to begin with. Psalms 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  

Heading up North

We continued “trying” to get pregnant with the help of our Toledo RE but still no baby. By this time I had a handful of friends that were also getting medical assistance for unexplained infertility. We’d share updates with one another, laughs, scripture & prayers.  Oddly enough through our struggles I had developed a special bond with these ladies. Through one of these lovely ladies I had heard about the fertility program at U of M. She raved about how terrific it was. Now keep in mind Chad and I are OSU Buckeye fans through and through so crossing the border to our rival team could create a little tension. LOL!  We tossed the idea around for a month or so and prayed on it. Little hints of U of M began to arise, a commercial here, a U of M ring on a friend that I never noticed before, and maize and blue was popping up everywhere. It could have been my imagination but either way I felt really compelled to make the switch from Toledo to U of M. Chad agreed and we decided it was ok to have U of M help us bring some future Buckeye babies into this world. :-) Within the month we were on our way to our first appointment. We met with our doctor. She reviewed our background, discussed all of our options with us and gave us the recommendation of In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF).  I remember walking out of the doctor’s office that day thinking “I never expected it to come to this”. The drive home Chad and I discussed IVF. He was all for it right out of the gate. I on the other hand was in turmoil evaluating if this type of medical intervention was too much. I mean God brings life into this world not doctors. Then there was the cost. It was a lot of money. To be honest it was going to be our entire savings. And one thing about me is that I’m a saver. I like to have a comfy cushion of "just in case funds" but if we went forward with IVF that would mean no more comfy cushion. There was the risk that we could make this huge investment and it might not work. Prior Chad and I have had countless discussions around adoption and we both have said that it’s something we would like to do at some point. So I then of course considered that we might be acting selfishly if we chose IVF over adoption. So I prayed on it. Chad and I talked through it (a lot). The scripture verse Ephesians 5:22 kept nagging at me “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church”. I used to think this verse was outdated until last spring at a Christian conference I discovered the true meaning. Not only does it mean to trust your husband to lead you and your family but you’re really trusting God to lead through your husband. To be candid I’m a bit of a control freak. So I typically tell Chad that I want him to lead but when it comes down him actually doing it I tend to step in and try to do it myself. I’ve realized that my behavior isn’t supportive and I strive to get better at it every day. Chad was so instantly convicted that this was the right path for us I needed to trust that it was God leading him to that decision. So it was decided…IVF was a go.  

Time to get real...

After about two months Chad and I decided to hop back on the baby making wagon. Physically I was healed but emotionally I was still a closeted mess. Although I gave the appearance that everything was just fine.  Like I had it all together, boy was that untrue. One day I remember having a conversation with a friend at work where I just broke down and told her what a mess I really was. She looked at me and said “What? You’re one of the most put together people I’ve ever met. ” After that conversation I did some self-reflection and I realized that I needed to get vulnerable and stop worrying about my “image”. I remember growing up and being told that crying was a sign of weakness and that image was important. I was quickly realizing that life is messy but somewhere in that mess is God’s beauty. Our challenge is to embrace it and trust me it can be quite a challenge.  Within days I started to emerge from the daze I’d been living in. I slowly realized that this was one of the lessons I was supposed to take from our circumstances. God didn’t want me to walk around pretending that everything was just fine and being strong for others, He wanted me to share my pain and brokenness with others because it would become our testimony. It was clear that I had drifted away from God a bit and I had to get back on course. I shared my realization with Chad and he agreed that we both had. That something that appeared to be off with us and our relationship quickly dissolved. It was replaced with an added closeness that I can articulate in words but can only be thankful for. Instead of looking at our situation and feeling sorry for us as a couple who had just lost another baby I had a change of heart. I began recognizing us as a couple who had endured a great deal of pain together but found strength to persevere, hope in the future and were blessed beyond belief by amazing friends and family.   I got back into my daily bible reading. We started attending church regularly again. We were sharing our story with folks and were open to how God was using our circumstances to mold us.

Drifting

The days that followed were a blur of tears, sadness, physical pain & ultimately brokenness. Because I was so far along I had to physically deliver the baby & have a D&C (Dilation & Curettage). There was nothing that could have prepared me physically or mentally for that day. But God surrounded me with the most amazing supporters. Chad was amazing. He stood by my side every second and supported me in a way that was beyond words. The nursing staff was also terrific. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and a hole in our hearts. This was not how we had planned this pregnancy to go. Chad and I both said the next time we leave a hospital it will be with a healthy baby in our arms. So somewhere deep inside there was still hope. The days and weeks that followed were some of the hardest in my life. To some degree I just felt like I was going through the motions. I’d have moments where I would let myself breakdown only when I was alone other times I was just numb to everything. I found myself putting on a happy face for others and being strong for them. Chad and I were both grieving differently so communication (typically one of our strongest qualities) was suddenly a little awkward. Our marriage was still as great as ever but something just felt off. Nothing felt normal at that point. We had gone from expectant parents to not in a flash and I just could wrap my head around it.  Despite the confusion of our new world one thing was constant…the love and support from our family & friends. We received phone calls, flowers, cards, facebook messages, prayers and so many other kind gestures from them. I was honestly overwhelmed with how many people actually cared about us so deeply. Looking back now I’m certain that those were what truly helped is move on. See at this time my urge to read the bible daily was lacking, if we skipped a weekend church service I wasn’t losing sleep and when we did make it to church it was safe to say my heart wasn’t there. How could it be it was broken into a million pieces? I didn’t realize it at the time but I was drifting away from God. Hebrews 2: 1 “We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away”. 

Highs and Lows

Chad and I told our immediate family and a few close friends and we all celebrated! It was finally happening and it was awesome! By 10 weeks I was having trouble fitting into my regular clothes so my mom and I hit the stores to create my new pregnancy wardrobe. Within the next few weeks even though we weren’t necessary “going public” with our terrific news it was becoming increasing obvious by my growing belly that I was pregnant. So news began to spread and we of course embraced it. By the 15^th week or so our friends were congratulating us on facebook so it quickly became public knowledge. That same week in September I had to travel to Las Vegas for a conference for work so Chad joined me. I must admit I was nervous to fly even though everyone says flying while pregnant is perfectly safe. About a week after our return we had our 16 week visit. The day before I was schedule while I was at work I noticed I was spotting a little. I didn’t panic because I knew that sometimes this happens and ladies go on to have perfectly healthy babies. I called my OB and they wanted to see me for an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. So I headed over to the hospital. The ultrasound tech went to work and told me that should couldn’t really share any information with me due to policy and that the doctor would be providing me an update. Well within minutes my doctor entered the ultrasound room with dreaded news. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. As soon as I heard those words my eyes welled up with tears and I went into a world of shock and a barrage of emotions overcame me. I was devastated, angry, confused and in disbelief that this was happening again (literally a year ago to the day). The thought of telling Chad and ultimately breaking his heart took my breath away. I was officially numb. The only thing I could thing I could do was question how God could let this happen.