36 weeks and counting!

Baby Wags is movin and groovin these days! We’re 36 weeks and I swear there must be a dance party going on in my belly to celebrate. It’s still so amazing! Well, except when little feet get caught in my ribs. J But that’s ok I’m sure my ribs will recover. Baby Wag’s heart rate is strong at 150 bpm and our doctor said that baby is head down. Praise God! As we approach our expected due date (Jan 13^th) we’ve graduated to weekly doctor appointments now. So our next one is coming up on Thursday! Chad and I went on our birthing tour at Toledo Hospital yesterday. There were about 5 other couples participating. We must have looked pretty funny roaming the halls. I told Chad I felt like we were in a pregnancy parade (a bunch of pregnant ladies accompanied by husbands who were trying their best not to look overwhelmed)! So now we’ve got the lay of the land. It’s just so awesome to think that in a few short weeks we’ll be there for one of the biggest moments of our lives! In other news, physically I’m doing great! Chad kindly pointed out that my belly now sticks out “about a foot!” He always knows the right things to say…J. I went back to the ENT doctor to have my nose cauterized again because my nosebleeds started up regularly. Hopefully this will last the rest of my pregnancy. Sleep is quite interesting these days. Not only have I’ve turned into the Macgyver of pillow stacking to curb the late night heartburn but I also mimic the movement of a rotisserie chicken. Rotating each night from my right side, to my back, to my left side, then back to my right side and repeat. Thank goodness Chad is a heavy sleeper so he’s typically unfazed by new antics. All in all everything is just fantastic and our excitement is growing each and every day! To capture this special time my friend Sarah Kraft snapped some maternity photos for us. She’s a very gifted photographer and we look forward to sharing these with baby Wag’s.

Psalm 127:3 Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.

So…an update is long overdue. So much has been going on and I have lots to share. For starters I did end up getting my nose cauterized a few weeks ago. I wouldn't put it on my top ten “fun things to do list” but it was tolerable. I've only had about 3 nose bleeds since which is a huge improvement…Yay!

Also a few weeks back I got the opportunity of a lifetime. My lovely Mom, step-Mom, Mother In-law and Sister In-law threw me the most amazing baby shower! The venue, food, cake and décor was just awesome! In addition to, that there were so many friends and family that came to celebrate our little miracle! These generous folks showered us with gifts upon gifts. I was seriously working up a sweat opening all these presents!  Baby Wags is already spoiled beyond measure!  I must admit the most amazing part of the day was looking around the room and thanking God for each and every one that was there and those that weren’t but wanted to be. Each person has played such an important role in our journey. The support, love, prayers and compassion is what has gotten us to where we are today. God uses others to provide His unconditional love and peace.  Philippians 4:19 “And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus”.  We even had all 5 generations of ladies in attendance, my great grandmother (who’s 104), my grandmother (from FL), my mom, me and baby! It was so great to celebrate with everyone!

Baby movements are super strong now. I still can’t help but smile every time I see/feel a little arm or leg whoosh across my belly. We’re 33 weeks and counting…woohoo!!! Baby is growing healthy and bigger by the day. I have the belly and acid reflux to prove it! The reflux is worst at night. I’ve found that sleeping at an incline (instead of flat) is helpful. But regardless I’m happy to take any/all pregnancy symptoms that come my way. It’s defiantly worth it! I’m also pleased to report that the nursery is pretty much ready for baby Wag’s arrival! Check out the pics! We have our next doctor’s appointment this Friday. Looking forward to it!  

I’m happy to report that our first appointment with our new doctor went great! She’s terrific! She took time to get to know us, our background and shared her faith.  We felt totally comfortable and walked out of our appointment very happy.

So those pesky nosebleeds I mentioned in the last update seem to be making more cameos recently. I’m getting them about every other day now (sometimes multiple times in one day) and they are taking longer to clot. The additional exposure unfortunately is NOT making Chad any more comfortable with them. This week while attempting to “help” he actually physically gagged before he fled the scene. LOL! I think it’s safe to say that he’ll be seated near my head in the delivery room. J I have an appointment with an ENT doctor this Wednesday. I’m hoping they can just cauterize it. And don’t worry I’ll be going to my appt solo. We don’t need Chad passing out or anything.

Baby movements have been pretty strong until the past few days. It seems like within the last 48 hours kicks and jabs are less intense then they were. They also seem to be much lower then what I’ve been used to. I’m trying not to be overly concerned as I’m sure our little one has just decided to change positions. But I must admit I’ve had some weak moments where I’ve had to talk myself off the ledge and remind myself that everything is just fine. I just have to keep reminding myself…Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see". Ok I’ve gotta run…no joke my nose just started bleeding…LOL!

Pregnancy Symptoms...Yes please!

Praise God we’re 27 weeks!!!  And there is a lot to catch up on. For starters I've been blessed with some mild pregnancy symptoms (and I sincerely mean blessed).  I have some friends who have/had some severe morning sickness and other things. Yikes! I am so grateful that I haven’t had to endure that. I have had some really fun leg cramping in my sleep and some random nose bleeds. Both are apparently somewhat common with pregnancy so I’m fully embracing them! I will say that the nose bleeds seem to arrive at the most inconvenient of times. When you ask…oh you know, while out to dinner at Outback (yum right?). Another time it was in the middle of my shower. Yep I’m all lathered up in the middle of shaving and tad dah! I learned a valuable lesson on that one though. Chad needs some serious training on how to handle nose bleeds. I’m not sure if it’s due to his inexperience in this dept (he’s apparently never had one before…which is crazy to me!) or if it was the combination of the water from the shower and the trickling blood falling from my nose that seemed to create a vision that you’d expect to see in a crime scene but Chad’s level of assistance consisted of handing me some paper towels, a bath towel before he bolted out of the room yelling “Oh it’s making me sick to my stomach!” LOL! Hilarious! I can’t wait to tell our little one about that story. J Last week I got to take my glucose test. It really wasn't bad at all.  I got to chug down a super sugary drink in less than 5 minutes, wait an hour & then get my blood taken. I’m happy to report that my level was 103 which is in the normal range. Yay! Yet another blessing! This week we’re looking forward to our first appointment with a new doctor. Our previous doctor was nice but unfortunately just didn’t have the consistency we are looking for which ended up in some frustrating appointments. Our new doctor is a strong believer which is what attracted us to her.  So I’m really excited to meet her and trust that God has led us to her intentionally. Here is an updated photo of my growing belly! Speaking of I’m pretty sure there is a dance party going on in there these days. I can’t help but smile every time he/she moves! So awesome!

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

My cup overflows!

Wow…what a week. So many things to celebrate! We had a house full of family. All of our Florida fam came to visit and celebrate a very special birthday.  My great grandmother Frances turned 104 years old! No I’m not kidding 104…really! She’s an amazing lady that has certainly influenced my life in many ways over the years but most of all spiritually. In addition to quality time with the family and a rockin party with Gram we also hit some pregnancy milestones.

If you remember from my prior blog entries the last week of Sept has been a one of mixed emotions over the past couple of years. It was around that time that we had miscarried our previous two pregnancies. Needless to say, when we found out we were scheduled for our level 2 ultrasound on Sept 26^th some deep breaths were in order. Leading up to the appointment the adversary tried everything to put fear into our hearts. A week or so before the appointment Chad and I attended church service where we experienced a very emotional testimony.  An amazing couple had shared their story of getting pregnant only to find out that their baby had severe complications and would likely only live minutes or hours after birth. This couple chose to go forward with their pregnancy and had less than an hour with their baby before the Lord called their child to His kingdom in heaven. The strength, faith in the Lord and hope for the future this couple displayed was beyond inspiring. On the drive home from church Chad said that he kind of wished we would have skipped service that week (I must admit the thought had crossed my mind as well). Until that testimony, he said he wasn’t really fearful of our upcoming appointment but now he was feeling a little anxious.  He asked how I felt. I told him that despite the inspirational message, it was difficult to hear but reminded me that our past experiences (as heartbreaking as they were) could have been even harder. We went on with our evening and continued to have very open discussions about each other’s concerns. We agreed that we needed to speak words of hope and faith leaving no room for fear in our hearts. And the upcoming ultrasound was a test of our faith and the timing was our opportunity to put the heartbreak behind us and celebrate the hope in our future! We decided that no matter what happened from that day forward God would get us through it. As we chatted, our fears diminished and our vulnerability with one another brought an amazing new element to our relationship. (As silly as it might sound up until this point we hadn’t really talked about our concerns even though we both knew they existed. I think we were just trying to be strong for each other).  By the end of the night it was totally obvious that we were meant to hear that message at church and God used it to encourage us to talk to one another and rely on HIM instead of ourselves. 

We went to our appointment and it was the most peaceful, stress free, and exciting part of our pregnancy so far! I swear it was like we could feel the Holy Spirit surrounding us (and yes I know that might make me sound nutty but I really don’t care). We got an amazing report. Baby and I are measuring great/healthy and we got to see our little miracle moving around in 3D! Praise God! Also I have to share…at church this week that same couple that gave the testimony a few weeks ago… is pregnant again! God is so good!

Psalm 23: 5-6 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Stuff, stuff and more stuff

21 weeks! We’re over the halfway mark and we’re beyond excited! We got the genetic screen results back and praise God, they’re all negative! It’s starting to become more real. Chad and I looked at each other the other day and said “Wow, we’re actually having a baby!”. As if it were the first time we’d been privy to the amazing news. I’m sure that sounds crazy to most “normal” people, since that generally is recognized the first moment a couple finds out their pregnant. But for us (not so normal folks) well let’s just say it’s taken a while to sink in. We of course were thrilled from the beginning but I must admit that we have guarded our hearts and still do to some degree. That’s just our human nature I suppose. But the more we allow ourselves to let our guard down (and trust God) the more fun things become. We’ve started purchasing adorable things for the nursery and looking at things that we’ll need for our miracle. We’ve quickly discovered a couple things…

1.       Selecting a color or theme for a nursery is much more difficult than one would expect. (Especially a general neutral nursery…yes we’re still holding strong at this point and haven’t found out the sex.) Admittedly, I’m a slight Pintrest addict which seems to only be adding to the confusion. Chad has officially refused to look at any more “inspirational nursery” images. I suppose a man can only take so much. J

2.       We really have no idea what the heck we need for a baby. There are so many gadgets out there that it’s hard to know what is a “need to have” vs. a “nice to have”, oh and we can’t forget the “who in the world really needs that thing” category. So me being the planner and organizer that I am sought out some expert advice. Where did I turn for assistance? Google of course…yep I searched “checklists for a new baby” and at least got a outline of the basics. However moms feel free to share you're motherly wisdom. We're certainly all ears!

3.       MOST IMPORTANT DISCOVERY…The “stuff” doesn’t really matter at all. We know that part of the reason for Chad and I’s journey over the past several years has been to teach us what is truly important in life…God and then our family/friends (in that order).

It’s so easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of excitement that comes with a new baby. Planning the nursery, picking out new things, organizing the shower but at the end of the day we can’t lose sight of what’s really the priority. Now don’t get me wrong I’m all about fun and there is plenty to celebrate but we can’t forget who provides the life we’re so eagerly awaiting for thisJanuary. The possessions we buy will eventually fade away (or end up in a garage sale) and all that’s left will be God and our family/friends. Those are so much more important than any fancy crib bedding, Britex travel system or expensive pair of maternity jeans (which I can’t bring myself to buy even though they’re so comfortable..ugh!). All that being said I will have to refer back to this blog entry to remind myself of this point countless times going forward but it’s summed up best in Matthew.

Matthew 6:19-21

“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Long overdue...

So I'm going to fast forward a bit, okay maybe a lot...We're currently 19 weeks pregnant and thanking God each and every day! So why has it taken me 19 whole weeks to post on my blog? Well, I could easily say that my delay was due to the general sleepiness that comes with pregnancy and the hectic work schedule I've been keeping up lately. However, I must admit that in addition to those facts I think I let a little bit of fear creep in and was unsure if I should share my blog in the event that the unspeakable were to happen again. But I've decided that I'm not going to allow fear to run the show. Instead, I'm going to trust that this baby is growing healthy and will make his or her miraculous debut in early January just as God has planned. 

So let me bring you all up to speed. I'm feeling great. Now that I'm into the second trimester my energy is back up. I'm proudly sporting a belly (and loving it). I have to say that I'm even excited to step on the scale and see that I've gained 12 lbs so far. Wow! I never thought I'd say that. All of our doctors visits have been terrific. Baby is measuring properly and we are just so grateful. As if all of this amazing news isn't enough...I'm actually starting to feel the baby move! It's the coolest thing ever! I intend to keep up on my blog from here on out so stay tuned more updates. 

2 Timothy 1:7
“For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

Praise God!

As we progressed through our treatment I continued to pray to God. I specifically prayed that His will be done and that if at any point we were not being obedient to place unpassable obstacles in front of us. Each step was reassuring. First we received the great news that we had 18 eggs of good size to harvest! That's a very high amount. But we knew that we were looking for quality over quantity. Next, we were told that 15 out of the 18 eggs actually fertilized. Again an obvious blessing. From there the lab graded each fertilized egg. We ended up having 5 eggs in the top quality range! We were beyond excited! The doctors recommended that we transfer just 1 embryo and freeze the rest. We agreed and the next thing I knew it was time for the transfer procedure. The procedure went great! I was continually thankful for the amazing doctor/nursing staff at U of M. Throughout all of the testing, visits and procedures they we all so supportive and caring. It was truly comforting. So now that the transfer was complete it was time to wait (not one of my strongest qualities). So two weeks pass and it was finally time for my blood test to find out if we're pregnant. I went in around 7:30am for the blood draw and waited...and waited...and waited. Finally around 4:30 my phone rang...we're pregnant! Wooohooo! Praise God! 1 Samuel 1:27 "For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him".

Letting go

I’ve heard about how demanding the IVF schedule can be. And we quickly found out first hand. When I received my box of meds it was crazy the amount of needles, syringes, pills and liquids. We also had this lovely calendar to help us keep the injection/pill routine straight. Despite the hectic schedule of shots, pills, trips to U of M for blood work, ultrasounds, and mock transfers we had such a sense of peace through it all. It’s hard to explain. I began to wonder if this was really God’s plan for us all along but maybe we just didn’t recognize it before.  See when we first started the fertility treatments in Toledo IVF was always an option but our doctor had said that he didn’t think we needed it. To be honest I don’t think we ever really questioned it because doing the other treatments kept things more in our control and it wasn’t as big of a financial investment upfront. So really I once again was trying to go with my plan of how I felt things should go in our life. Speaking of finances we actually didn’t have enough money for IVF the month prior. I had just started tithing at church and vowed that I would continue even if it meant postponing IVF but of course just in perfect time God gave us the resources we needed.  I was rewarded with a bonus/increase from work and so was Chad.  Going with IVF was forcing us to let go of control, finances and allowing us to really go all in. All we could do was pray and trust that no matter what the outcome was that God would get us through it. Now don’t get me wrong there were moments when fear would creep in or I’d start to feel sorry for myself looking at all the bruises from the injections. But those thoughts were quickly replaced with thankfulness. Thankfulness of having this opportunity and hope for a healthy baby. The fact is there are lots of people that struggle with unexplained infertility and don’t have these options. I believe that God has a plan for each of them just like He does for us and I pray that we all have the children we desire in our hearts. After all God placed those desires there to begin with. Psalms 37:4 “Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”.  

Heading up North

We continued “trying” to get pregnant with the help of our Toledo RE but still no baby. By this time I had a handful of friends that were also getting medical assistance for unexplained infertility. We’d share updates with one another, laughs, scripture & prayers.  Oddly enough through our struggles I had developed a special bond with these ladies. Through one of these lovely ladies I had heard about the fertility program at U of M. She raved about how terrific it was. Now keep in mind Chad and I are OSU Buckeye fans through and through so crossing the border to our rival team could create a little tension. LOL!  We tossed the idea around for a month or so and prayed on it. Little hints of U of M began to arise, a commercial here, a U of M ring on a friend that I never noticed before, and maize and blue was popping up everywhere. It could have been my imagination but either way I felt really compelled to make the switch from Toledo to U of M. Chad agreed and we decided it was ok to have U of M help us bring some future Buckeye babies into this world. :-) Within the month we were on our way to our first appointment. We met with our doctor. She reviewed our background, discussed all of our options with us and gave us the recommendation of In Vitro Fertilization (aka IVF).  I remember walking out of the doctor’s office that day thinking “I never expected it to come to this”. The drive home Chad and I discussed IVF. He was all for it right out of the gate. I on the other hand was in turmoil evaluating if this type of medical intervention was too much. I mean God brings life into this world not doctors. Then there was the cost. It was a lot of money. To be honest it was going to be our entire savings. And one thing about me is that I’m a saver. I like to have a comfy cushion of "just in case funds" but if we went forward with IVF that would mean no more comfy cushion. There was the risk that we could make this huge investment and it might not work. Prior Chad and I have had countless discussions around adoption and we both have said that it’s something we would like to do at some point. So I then of course considered that we might be acting selfishly if we chose IVF over adoption. So I prayed on it. Chad and I talked through it (a lot). The scripture verse Ephesians 5:22 kept nagging at me “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church”. I used to think this verse was outdated until last spring at a Christian conference I discovered the true meaning. Not only does it mean to trust your husband to lead you and your family but you’re really trusting God to lead through your husband. To be candid I’m a bit of a control freak. So I typically tell Chad that I want him to lead but when it comes down him actually doing it I tend to step in and try to do it myself. I’ve realized that my behavior isn’t supportive and I strive to get better at it every day. Chad was so instantly convicted that this was the right path for us I needed to trust that it was God leading him to that decision. So it was decided…IVF was a go.  

Time to get real...

After about two months Chad and I decided to hop back on the baby making wagon. Physically I was healed but emotionally I was still a closeted mess. Although I gave the appearance that everything was just fine.  Like I had it all together, boy was that untrue. One day I remember having a conversation with a friend at work where I just broke down and told her what a mess I really was. She looked at me and said “What? You’re one of the most put together people I’ve ever met. ” After that conversation I did some self-reflection and I realized that I needed to get vulnerable and stop worrying about my “image”. I remember growing up and being told that crying was a sign of weakness and that image was important. I was quickly realizing that life is messy but somewhere in that mess is God’s beauty. Our challenge is to embrace it and trust me it can be quite a challenge.  Within days I started to emerge from the daze I’d been living in. I slowly realized that this was one of the lessons I was supposed to take from our circumstances. God didn’t want me to walk around pretending that everything was just fine and being strong for others, He wanted me to share my pain and brokenness with others because it would become our testimony. It was clear that I had drifted away from God a bit and I had to get back on course. I shared my realization with Chad and he agreed that we both had. That something that appeared to be off with us and our relationship quickly dissolved. It was replaced with an added closeness that I can articulate in words but can only be thankful for. Instead of looking at our situation and feeling sorry for us as a couple who had just lost another baby I had a change of heart. I began recognizing us as a couple who had endured a great deal of pain together but found strength to persevere, hope in the future and were blessed beyond belief by amazing friends and family.   I got back into my daily bible reading. We started attending church regularly again. We were sharing our story with folks and were open to how God was using our circumstances to mold us.

Drifting

The days that followed were a blur of tears, sadness, physical pain & ultimately brokenness. Because I was so far along I had to physically deliver the baby & have a D&C (Dilation & Curettage). There was nothing that could have prepared me physically or mentally for that day. But God surrounded me with the most amazing supporters. Chad was amazing. He stood by my side every second and supported me in a way that was beyond words. The nursing staff was also terrific. We left the hospital that day with empty arms and a hole in our hearts. This was not how we had planned this pregnancy to go. Chad and I both said the next time we leave a hospital it will be with a healthy baby in our arms. So somewhere deep inside there was still hope. The days and weeks that followed were some of the hardest in my life. To some degree I just felt like I was going through the motions. I’d have moments where I would let myself breakdown only when I was alone other times I was just numb to everything. I found myself putting on a happy face for others and being strong for them. Chad and I were both grieving differently so communication (typically one of our strongest qualities) was suddenly a little awkward. Our marriage was still as great as ever but something just felt off. Nothing felt normal at that point. We had gone from expectant parents to not in a flash and I just could wrap my head around it.  Despite the confusion of our new world one thing was constant…the love and support from our family & friends. We received phone calls, flowers, cards, facebook messages, prayers and so many other kind gestures from them. I was honestly overwhelmed with how many people actually cared about us so deeply. Looking back now I’m certain that those were what truly helped is move on. See at this time my urge to read the bible daily was lacking, if we skipped a weekend church service I wasn’t losing sleep and when we did make it to church it was safe to say my heart wasn’t there. How could it be it was broken into a million pieces? I didn’t realize it at the time but I was drifting away from God. Hebrews 2: 1 “We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away”. 

Highs and Lows

Chad and I told our immediate family and a few close friends and we all celebrated! It was finally happening and it was awesome! By 10 weeks I was having trouble fitting into my regular clothes so my mom and I hit the stores to create my new pregnancy wardrobe. Within the next few weeks even though we weren’t necessary “going public” with our terrific news it was becoming increasing obvious by my growing belly that I was pregnant. So news began to spread and we of course embraced it. By the 15^th week or so our friends were congratulating us on facebook so it quickly became public knowledge. That same week in September I had to travel to Las Vegas for a conference for work so Chad joined me. I must admit I was nervous to fly even though everyone says flying while pregnant is perfectly safe. About a week after our return we had our 16 week visit. The day before I was schedule while I was at work I noticed I was spotting a little. I didn’t panic because I knew that sometimes this happens and ladies go on to have perfectly healthy babies. I called my OB and they wanted to see me for an ultrasound to make sure everything was alright. So I headed over to the hospital. The ultrasound tech went to work and told me that should couldn’t really share any information with me due to policy and that the doctor would be providing me an update. Well within minutes my doctor entered the ultrasound room with dreaded news. They couldn’t find a heartbeat. As soon as I heard those words my eyes welled up with tears and I went into a world of shock and a barrage of emotions overcame me. I was devastated, angry, confused and in disbelief that this was happening again (literally a year ago to the day). The thought of telling Chad and ultimately breaking his heart took my breath away. I was officially numb. The only thing I could thing I could do was question how God could let this happen. 

Surprise

By July of 2011 we’d been seeing our RE for over a year. Throughout that time I’d become more open to sharing the details about our endeavor with a select few. At first it was difficult because I couldn’t help be feeling like I was failing as a wife (yes I know that’s crazy but I’m just being honest that’s how I felt). But Chad and I both agreed that despite the fact that it was a very personal situation we wanted to share our story in hopes to help others in similar circumstances. It was so inronic how I would cross paths with other women (some were even friends from years back) that were also struggling with fertility challenges. I found comfort in sharing our story and describing how it was a catalyst to defining our faith and spiritual growth. I hoped others would find a similar opportunity to open their hearts to the Lord. I shared scriptures, some of my favorite Christian music and Christian books that brought me hope with the other women. It became my own personal mission field where I felt God was calling me to serve others in. One thing I noticed was that it was really difficult to feel sorry for myself when serving others. It just had a way of putting things into perspective.  In July we had started another cycle of fertility and I headed to an ultrasound to check my progress. To my surprise this was no ordinary visit. The RE told me that the ultrasound revealed the long awaited blessing…we were pregnant!!! The added shock was that we weren’t just a couple weeks pregnant; we were actually about 8 weeks along! The doctor pointed to three black spots on the monitor and informed me that it looked like we actually had originally been pregnant with triplets but had lost two of them in the weeks prior (which explained what I thought was my June cycle).  My heart sank with disappointment upon hearing the news but was quickly renewed with excitement and hope when I saw the flicker of the tiny little heartbeat of the one baby that was left! Praise God! His word is always true.  Genesis 1:28 “Then God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply”.

Ready when you are God...

Month after month we settled into a routine of meds, shots and ultrasounds. Some months we had too many eggs and we’d have to call off the cycle (too risky for multiples & complications).That was always extremely disappointing and frustrating. Other months our conditions seemed to be ideal but still no babies.  All the while I clung to that fact that I knew there had to be a reason behind all of this. The more time passed the more I noticed that through this difficult time God was becoming a more focused part of our lives.  Upon a more thorough investigation not only was God hugely influencing our daily lives but it was also apparent that He was having an amazing impact on our immediate family & friends. It was/is truly remarkable how God can transform us! Chad and I had extensive discussion on how different our life was compared to just a year or two ago before we started having this intimate relationship with Christ. The simple fact was we were each growing spiritually and it was making us better spouses, friends, son/daughter, brothers/sisters and one day parents. And I guess you could say that was my “Ah ha” moment. It made sense that God wanted to take more time preparing us before we started our family. Now don’t get me wrong these months were not all roses and sunshine. Especially since it seemed that everyone around us were having babies. We were of course genuinely happy for others but I occasionally couldn’t help throwing myself a pity party here and there. No doubt there were some dark days. But as time went on the pity parties were shorter and shorter in length.  I became thankful for the time to grow spiritually and strengthen our marriage, but was still eager to start our parenting journey. So often my prayers consisted of me thanking God but reminding him that we “get it now” and “are ready”.  As if I needed to remind him of anything…LOL. Clearly I still had a lot to learn about patience & God’s perfect timing.  Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope”.

Suck it up!

After several more months of “trying” on our own and a couple handfuls of negative home pregnancy tests (Yes, I was too impatient to wait each month…don’t judge me). Getting pregnant seemed to happen so quickly and easily the first time, so what was the hold up now?  We decided to reach back out to our OB for some advice. He suggested we try some oral fertility medications and surely that would do the trick. So we experimented one month with a drug called Femara…no dice.  The next month with a drug called Clomid which proved to me that hot flashes are in fact completely real, not something my mother has made up over the years to justify pumping the AC up in the dead of winter (Sorry for doubting you Mom. J) But unfortunately still no pregnancy.  The doc did some additional blood tests on me and some tests on Chad. The OB speculated that I might have something called polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). The easiest way to explain it is that it’s a hormonal imbalance that can potentially create complexity with fertility.  Even though physically I didn’t quite fit the typical PCOS criteria on paper I seemed to match up.  But no biggie many women have PCOS and go on to have lots of healthy babies.  Our OB suggested we head to an expert aka a reproductive endocrinologist (sounds fancy I know).  So we ventured off to meet our new friends at Toledo hospital. Our RE was terrific! We did some additional testing with him and again everything came back all in the “normal” ranges. So he started us on a fertility plan with a combination of oral meds & injections for a week or so each month followed by a series of ultra sounds to check our progress. Now for those of you who know me you’re probably laughing right because you know I’ve always been the girl that would pass out even thinking about giving blood or getting a shot.  I must admit I did have a few crying spells and a few days where I completely psyched myself out with the needles. Chad would always come in the bathroom, make me laugh and give me a pep talk (and by pep talk I mean like the locker room speech right before the big game kind of pep talk). I still laugh remembering how animated he was giving them. But the thing that really gave me the strength to endure this needle filled routine month after month was my commitment to reading the bible daily, listening to a Christian music station called K-LOVE every time I was in my car, volunteering at the children’s ministry at church on the weekends and the bible study group I joined at work. The more I studied the word the more I realized that if Jesus could suffer the unspeakable agony, humiliation, torture and crucifixion to redeem me, then I clearly had absolutely ZERO right to whine about a little poke in the tummy a few times a month. What was I thinking? I needed to suck it up and I did. I prayed like crazy for God to give the doctors wisdom and Chad & I strength to endure this journey.  Especially since I've heard what a strain fertility plans can be on marriages and we are still technically newlyweds. But no worries this is sure to be short temporary thing...right?  

So first things first...

What’s behind the name of my blog? When you look up “picket fence” on Wikipedia this is what you’ll find…”A picket fence, ideally white, is seen by some as a symbol of the ideal middle-class suburban life, with a family and children, large house and peaceful living”. I was never one of those little girls that spent time dreaming of my wedding day or naming my unborn children. I just naturally assumed it would all fall into place. I’d eventually get my house with the “coveted “white picket fence and a lovely family that would reside in said house. Well in 2009 I got my first dose of reality. Chad and I were married for about 6 months before we started to “try” to have children. We started in May and by July I was pregnant! It was almost too easy. Unfortunately it was short lived, as the last week of September we miscarried. We were devastated. There was no explanation the doctor could offer us. He told us how common this was and encouraged us to keep trying again once my body fully recovered. Thankfully a few months prior Chad and I had begun attending church together and were embarking on our newfound relationship with God. I remember the memory verse that month was so fitting to our situation. It was Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”.  We gained peace through each other, our family, friends and prayer.  Within a month or so our broken hearts were mended (not completely fixed but mended) and we were ready to try again.